my thoughts on this : (2)

I always love to engage myself in a debate. somehow, discussing something heatedly gives me pleasure. 

if someone screw up in their life. would you give them a chance? here's how I see it... 

over the years, I've met drunks, drugs-abusers, people with no life(those who live for the moment and slack around instead of building their future), those who struggle in their later life as a result of their ignorant in their younger days, and bla bla bla. When it comes to making friends, I'm not exactly picky. I have friends from different backgrounds. I'm comfortable sitting in front of a shop just talking with friends, and I don't mind just hanging out at posh cafe. I never look down on their jobs, and we respect each others. Yes, although it bothers me at times. The reasons why they're living a hard life, struggling each days just to survive, it was because they screwed up once. you know, those who didn't want to study and abuse themselves, get into gangs and all that. To those who tried to make a change in their life, I have a huge respect for you. 

One friend admitted to me he wasn't that bright. whenever we speak in English, he would complained that he didn't understand. One thing about this friend is that he changed his life. He do this and that, just to survive. and for that, I have a huge respect on him.

Another friend, screwed up his life at younger age. Alcohols, gangs and drugs. you name it. after few years, I thought he changed. He told me he changed. The truth, he has not. Alcohols, fight, street racing, loansharks, gambling. It was like, he hasn't really matured up. I have lost all my respect for him. He was given a chance to change, but he did not. At such age, you can't blame your surrounding and environments. It's all in you. It's your will to make a move, to make a change. 

I'm not being judgemental. It's a fact of life. Some people just do not have the will to change. Not everyone can learn from their mistakes. If your environments, your surroundings, your friends, your families still look down on you. It's up to you to prove them wrong. It's up to you to show them. Yes, I have seen some people made lotsa mistakes in their life, and yet still managed to prove the society wrong when he did change for the better. It's all in your will. 

I have a friend who told me that I'm too nice. I am not. I have many flaws. He once told me that he admired me for not drinking. doing drugs and pray daily, and still hangout with the likes of them. He wished he was like me. Here's what I told him - no one is stopping him from praying to GOD. no one is forcing him to drink. It's all in his heart and mind. His willingness to change. 

oh well. just my 2 cents. 

my love for naat

I've been listening to lots of naat. they're so beautiful. the first thing in my head was - "I wanna learn Urdu". I want to understand what were being recite. 

I never say I'm perfect. I have many flaws and I accept them. Every now and then these flaws would hurt others. I hate it when that happened. I'm very impulsive. I tend to say things first without thinking. I feel like crying now. It's time to start over. 

my thoughts on this

* I haven't write for so long. excuse my crappy english. XD

I'm not a religious person. I know enough to pray and this and that. I never pretend that I am, because I know just how thin my knowledge in Islam is.  Just like any normal human being, deprive of 'sifat maksum', I have committed a lot of sins over the years. Not proud of it, but I'm learning and taking baby steps. Yes, I seek redemption.

I tried not to be judgemental. I hate it when people judge someone and brush it off just like that. It's like, forcing someone to wear hijab is a no-no for me. You need to take it slow, instilled the love into someone. I once had a boyfriend who drinks alcohol. I hated it. I prayed for him to stop, and made him promise me to stop. But he didn't. He stopped because of me. Once he was angry with me, he would do it again. Hence, if you try to change someone, forcing is not the way. 

As I said I wasn't a religious muslim. what I am is - a forgetful muslim. I always forgot to thank Allah for the blessings and everything. Until one day, I still remember that very day. I wasn't thinking straight. I felt like I'm dying. It's like everything turned against me and I was hurting. A friend, a close friend, talked to me. she said just how lucky I was that god still gave me chance to come back to HIM. to repent and to remember him. She was right, Even after all this, ALLAH never bail on me. HE was there for me. It's up for me. To remember HIM, to seek guidance from HIM. I was a changed person. I refused to take life for granted. the life that ALLAH let me enjoy. This person, my best friend. she never force me to change. I have other people try to change me back then. but none works. All this friend did was talked to me softly and made me remember who I am.

During Ramadhan. I have one 'pious' friend who wonders how is it that people fast but didn't wear hijab. here's my answer for her. things didn't change overnight. if you're a muslim who wants to make a change, you approach them softly. You don't humiliate them and judge them. Just like a wise friend of mine once said and I quote "u can't judge someone's faith based on what they do as a muslim".  It's like just because one wears a hijab, doesn't make that person a pious muslims. considering if she still badmouth others, disobey her parents and hold hands with their boyfriend. and just because a person doesn't wear hijab doesn't make her a bad muslim, especially if she prays and take good care of her parents. Hijab is not accessories or fashion. It's a must to all muslim. Yes, sometimes I wear them. But I always make sure that i didn't wear any short sleeves shirts and tight fitting clothings. Wearing Hijab is all about modesty. if you wear hijab and a tight-fitting clothes, there's nothing modest about that. 

I pray that one day I'm going to wear it again. but first, I would have to discard all those tshirts. XD. Just set your nawaitu right. you don't change because of a person. you change because you're a muslim and for the fear of hellfire.

I did it

I didn't realise how fragile I could be until today..  petty things ticked me off. and next thing I know. I got really depressed. fucked up eh? 

I have managed to stop the self mutilation bits. I kept myself busy. I tried not to think much. Bitches trying to take me down. I just ignored them. I think I managed to steer away from depression for couple of months now..  and I gotta say I'm impress by my own achievement. 

let's just hope this will stay. 

these tears...

depression hits me like a bitch! I hate crying. I hate it. and yet, here I am crying and hating myself. at times like this, I just wanna die. and get over it. you know?...

this stupid moodswings. why can't I just be happy? why do I keep on masquerading my feelings.. letting others know that I'm happy.. why do I smile to them when deep down inside, I'm all scattered... 

oh lord please help me...