on depression

I don't know what triggered me to write this. I hate writing about my personal life. Oh, I think I found the answer. I think it was me scared with how self harm seem to be accepted socially these days. look at those images plastered on the net on self harm. Look at those teens proud of it and outdoing each other. it's sickening. this is actually the 3rd or 4th attempt of me writing this evening. with my state for the past few days, and today was the worse, writing is really hard. 

for the past few days I have been suffering from depression. it's nothing new. I have been suffering from them for years. things just got worse lately. I locked myself in my room since early evening yesterday till late noon today. I went out the room, but refused to talk to anyone. I switched off my phones, so no one could reach me (not that anyone would try to reach me. duh). there I was on the floor crying my heart out, at times pulling my hair, with paper cutter on my hand carving my flesh... yes, I hurt myself.. not proud of it and not promoting it. one of those stupid things I did that was beyond my control. my body is shaking now.. it has been for hours. I didn't get enough sleep, rest and foods. I always have trouble sleeping. Lastnight, I was so anxious that I couldn't sleep. 

now the question.. why am I depressed? I have no idea. all I know is I'm a pessimist. I believe that people get close to me with their own agenda. no one is being true. oh well. I have a very low self esteem, all thanks to the bullying I got when I was a kid. I always have this feeling that I'm unwanted. that I wish I would just die. so that for once, people would look twice at me. so that people would think of me, remember me and miss me. something I believe is lacking in my life.  I know, at 24, I still feel like this.

I tried talking to people on depression. I was afraid it would get worse. seriously, when you hide yourself under the table crying your heart out, and when you go frantic looking for a knife. you know something is wrong. all I got was "that's normal. I had worse", "that was nothing", "you'll get over it somehow". I don't know what to do. I seriously don't I want all this to go away. I tried. I really did. I went out, get busy. It just didn't work. It just dragged me down. I would feel lonely and all. oh yes, I did try to commit suicide.. sick, I know. but I always have visions of me dead in various state. 

I never wanted this. I want to get rid of it. I have scars! ugly scars. I hate it! and yet teens these days parade their scars and proud of it. I am not!!! 

note : if you have nothing else better to say, please leave.