in my normal state

I posted a different post about 2 hours ago and I decided to re-do it. so much bitterness. gah!

"when I think of men. I think of statue. No heart. No feelings. Just someone who think highly of themselves"

I don't care if you don't agree with me. This is what I have experienced, what I have encountered. You don't have to justify yourself. Yes, I know, not all men are like that and some women are just downright evil. so? I have people taking me for granted. The friends would soon realise and would still be around. The men, they went vanished. Just like that. Next thing you know, they have another girl and happily married. yes, I get you the first time around, not men are like that. there's no need for repetition. What I also know is that some men (married and oh so taken) actually have the audacity to chat up some girls. flirt with them. the girls would only found out once they fell hard. it's gross! these men. taking the women for granted. now I totally get why men have 1 lust and 9 akal, whereas women have 9 lust and 1 akal. we're most likely driven by our guts and needs. Hence making men good with words and able to conceive believable lies. was I another victim? hell yeah. sucks and gross.

do I hate men? no! absolutely not.  I adore men. I love men. I love teasing them.. okay that's just wrong. my point is, don't get me wrong. I still go for men. I go for stick. LOL. 

now comes to my annual reality-tv bashing. woo me. 

AF - getting suckier and cornier each year. I didn't watch it this year. From what I've seen from random snippets at CD store, those stray dogs can bark better than these people. as for the drama? trust me, Tom Green can act better than these bunch. oh, cut it off, Tom Green is a better actor. Make it Tara Reid then. it's so superficial that by the end of the show I end up realising that I'd rather watching teletubbies indulging themselves in mutual masturbation. and no, don't ask me whether Dipsy is a male or female.

American Idol - couldn't be bother. I only watch some performance through youtube and get the weekly review off the net. I know Lambert is gonna be in the final. with who? beats me. but from the constant pimping of Gokey from the judges, I think America might want to make him happy since he's so sad and whatnot (bleh!), by letting him be in the final. As much as I like theatric, Lambert is just too much. Not my cup of tea. oh, scratch that. not my mug of coffee. 

I don't know. No favourites from me this season. No Blake, No Cook, No Bo, No Eliott. 

One in a Million - one show I still enjoy watching. Thank God. I can't believe I'm gonna say this out loud, but I am actually rooting for Tompok (yes, intended). Initially, being the self-proclaimed rock chic that I am, I was rooting for Aweera. The thing with Aweera is that he got the voice that he pretty much wasted on mediocre performance. It was just getting stale. Yes, we get it! you have nice voice, now if only you let go whoever that was constantly grabbing your balls and squeezing them, things would be better. He remind me of Tobias Sammett. He should learn from Roy Khan instead. Knows when to stop and pour in more emotions. His performance is getting stale each week. instead of saying "hell yeah" whilst having my fist up in the air and doing the twirl head-bang with my hair, I end up saying "bollocks!".  Esther is a bit theatric to me.. and bla bla yadda yadda. I like Simon though. 

oh wow. maybe I should do my long overdue Scar Symmetry album review. along with Ihsahn and Haunted. expect new story coming. I'm trying to get my head works again. 

wrecked

I actually posted this poem on my facebook before. oh well...

I got people being so anal to me. Like, this should be easy and telling me to pray. I respect your opinions. The thing is, sometimes, if you don't know that person pretty well, it's better to keep your mouth shut (or in this case, refrain yourself from typing). I got people telling me I don't believe in god.  Don't judge me. I may be crazy and totally unpredictible at times, that doesn't make me lost my faith in my religion. I pray daily asking for guidance from god. I pray because it's wajib. Anyways, enough about that. I don't need to justify myself. 

Oh and to those who claimed, its easy to stop. It's easy saying it than doing it. Yes, I stopped for almost a year, before it hit me back again. It's like an addiction, once you got involved, its harder to stop. I don't do this for the sake of showing off. You have no idea what's going on in my head. I don't judge you, so please, don't judge me.

This Poem

I scribbled
Trying to write to you
This poem that I have composed in my head
My blade working fast
- acting as a pen
bloodied red ink
- on my paper of skin and flesh

all in my head
but somehow I couldn’t translate it
I couldn’t write a single word
Just strokes and lines
Just red and swelling

I gave up
I wrote you this poem
You just wouldn’t read it
I watched as the tears washed away the ink
Just my scarred arms now
Translating my wounded heart

This poem
- of you
forever branded on me

April 9th 2009
- SM PJN –